September 24th, 2006

A Gossip Columnist’s Life …

A Nokia table setting

A gossip columnist can never get pissed on the job because this major sign of weakness would be broadcast to the world within minutes of any transgression. Besides , it’s hard to keep track of everyone else’s indiscretions when one is three sheets to the wind or possibly four. Consider this though - it’s no fun attending parties where the best wines and cocktails are being served and sticking to OJ or mineral water. Yeah, it’s really a voddie guys, Not. The other problem with not drinking is that a close encounter with many on the so called A-list is enough to make you reach out for the nearest, stiff cocktail. So anyway, I don’t ever get legless but I do imbibe alcohol at an event - I’m only human. (Although there are plenty of people out there who would have you believe otherwise).
Take Tuesday night’s launch of Nokia’s 8800 Sirocco phone in the middle of Centennial Park. Just getting there was complicated enough. Guests were deposited in their complimentary limos at a meeting point in the park where cocktails were being served. They then clambered into Range Rovers for a drive further into the park’s interior where there were more drinks. Nearly an hour and a half later we were shown to our tables that had been decorated by some of the best creative talent in town. I’d already had three glasses of champagne but I sobered up in no time at all when I took a look at the table where I would be seated. It was sponsored by Land Rover and decorated by Jamie Durie, who was waiting for us in a sparkling white suit. This was yet another table of death because guests were arranged on a giant garden swing over a water feature surrounded by knee high bullrushes and the only way in was to lead by your bottom, swing both legs together and hope that the swing was on the right rotation. It’s a good thing that Jamie is such a delight because once I had settled in I knew that me and my sky high antique platforms were only going to perform this delicate manoeuvre one more time and that would be to leave. What’s more I would need all my wits around me as I am klutzy at the best of times. So, I reached out for the water jug.
I have only been putrid at one event and that was the Barefoot and Blacktie Ball at Palm Beach two years ago when I was smashed on my first glass of champagne. (I guess there was a combination of factors involved in that). But even then I was on automatic pilot. I left early, walked up the sand with as much dignity as I could muster and did not utter even one word the whole way home..

Jamie in his white suit

September 17th, 2006

A Gossip Columnist’s Life …

There are those who are born to walk the red carpet and others who prefer to skirt it. Unfortunately I am in the latter category. I’m dreading Seven’s 50 years of Television event tonight at Star City because the scarlet deep pile promises to be as long as some bus lanes at peak hour and just as congested with so many network stars all trying to outdo each other. Celeb-centric couturier, Alex Perry has been working on Seven’s night of night for months and most of the really fabulous Seven women like Jennifer Hawkins, Isabel Lucas and Ada Nicodemou are wearing long gowns. They probably started getting ready at lunchtime.
Tonight I will have a 15 minute turn-around once we find our way home from my son’s basketball match and I’ll just grab the nearest black dress in the wardrobe and hope for the best. No wonder, I like to charge down the red carpet as if the winning Lotto number was inscribed at the end of it - I have nothing to preen about.

The most embarrasng thing about attending an A-List event is hearing the people on either side of the barriers wonder aloud who the hell you are. In the good old days, I was constantly mistaken for Cher. Now I hear spectators assuring each other that I am no one along with my colleagues as they search for the real stars.  And they’re right - how can I compete with such scintillating celebs as David Oldfield and Imogen Bailey who will both be very present tonight (They are after all, included in the cast of the woeful celebrity survivor.

Some Australian personalities live their life around their red carpet appearances. Take Maria Venuti who will heave out her cleavage in the most outrageous gown she can find for a film premiere but sneak out again just before the lights go out.  The worst offender was Mieke Buchan who was famed for getting changed in between red caroet appearances on the same night. Or good old Peter Mochrie, who once made his  date sit on a lounge at a nearby cinema, in all her finery, so they could time their red carpet appearance to get maximum exposure.  And yes, some people actually try to come in and out two or three times - it’s too funny.

So you probably won’t have a chance to see me if you tune into Seven’s 50 Years of TV tonight - I’ll be the one trying to make my entrance to the Star City venue through a side door.

Jennifer Hawkins - probably won’t be in this tonight

Isabel Lucas

September 10th, 2006

A Gossip Columnist’s Life…

It’s still only September but I’m already breaking in a couple of pairs of Sergio Rossis in preparation for that well known gossip columnist’s endurance event - the Melbourne Cup Carnival which begins on Derby Day, November 4. This can be pure torture and it means looking smart in a hat and heels for an entire day as I tour the massive track - from the Fashions On the Field enclosure to the Birdcage - searching for celebrities acting up. Let me tell you, it’s a nerve wracking, exhausting job especially when I’ll probably cover at least 10 kilometres by the end of the day and I sometimes have to sprint in case I’m about to miss someone. Last year, I had a major scoop when I noticed that Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria had a massive love bite on her neck and she kept trying to cover it up. This year, Kate Bosworth is flying in for Motorola. Now that she’s split from Orlando Bloom any good looking man she speaks to could mean a new relationship which could make international headlines. I will have to be so on the case that I won’t be able to drink more than one glass of French champagne, an hour. There’s nothing worse than finally being given access to a major identity and slurring your questions.

While all this is going on, I have to satisfy the insatiable Sunday Telegraph’ newsdesk with rivetting copy and hurl myself at any A-lister who will give me a juicy quote. (One time I had a front page story when Richard Wilkins chose Derby Day to go public about his relationship with Tottie Goldsmith - it was massive) My other major problem will be avoiding all those bores with no claim to fame who want themselves or their client in the paper. Sometimes they try to hijack our photographer to do group shots - but these aren’t the kind of photos I’m looking for - I want to see celebs canoodling or well known party girls getting really messy. This will go on all day right into the night when I will somehow stagger back to my hotel and soak my aching feet. Usually by the time I get there I am carrying my shoes which will be covered in grass stains and bits of gravel - and only if I have a good column the following day, will it all have been worthwhile. In the meantime I’m wearing my new, sturdy looking Sergio Rossis to Franklins and giving my feet a workout before they have to enter the dreaded Birdcage. If you see me being wheeled down the street in a shopping trolley, you’ll know that it all ended in tears.

September 6th, 2006

Germaine Greer’s Media Withdrawal Symptoms

How gross was it for ageing talking head, Germaine Greer to try and create a bit of controversy by laying into the late Steve Irwin? This is quite plainly a play by Greer to put herself in front of the media again and it has worked a treat. At the rate she is going she is sure to soon be invited to be a guest on Dancing With The Stars or Celebrity Survivor. After all, this is a woman who actually agreed to go on Big Brother in the UK. Presumably the price was right. (But I think on humanitarian grounds alone, her incarcaration in the BB compound was a shameful thing to do to the other inmates). Yes, Greer has has been creating a fuss because she claims that Irwin was cruel to hunt animals - however he did treat them with respect and was acknowledged as an ardent conservationist. Maybe she should stick to her gardening in the Old Dart and leave Irwin’s powerful legacy alone. Let’s face it - her use-by-date has well and truly expired.

September 4th, 2006

A Gossip Columnist’s Life

I apologise for the break in transmission but something very strange happened when I was trying to update the website in beautiful downtown Port Fairy, Victoria and I discovered it was better to wait for my return. (There is hot news in that seaside resort, by the way with the recently awarded chef from Portofino - the fine dining restaurant there - about to jump ship to take over ye olde Merrijig Inn). Expect this establishment to be transformed overnight into a property worthy of a listing in a Relais & Chateau guide. This time next year, it will be overun by Louis Vuitton’ luggage-toting bon vivants. Watch out. They will only be interested in food and travel writers at the 2007 ‘book fair - or perhaps listening oreally rich and successful novelists.

Still it was a lot of fun talking about my first novel, Gossip and giving the rundown on my life as a gossip columnist. I am pleased to say that it was a sellout event in the Wishart Gallery and everyone was keen for me to answer all the questions that had been puzzling them for yonks: Is Jennifer still in love with Brad Pitt ? and Will Tom Cruise’s baby, Suri ever make an appearance on Oprah? Search me.
However I did try to convey what it’s like to be a gossip columnist - to be regularly threatened by major bullies and by others including Paul Keating who once conveyed that he was prepared to to sue my “skinny white arse off'’. (At the time, I thanked him deeply for saying that my rear end wasn’t flabby). I’ll take any compliment I can get. Anyway, the talk and the book fair was a huge success (thanks to the hard work of Roger Borrell and his hard working committee). On the way back to Melbourne behind the wheel of the cool Saab 9-3 Convertible that I had borrowed for the occasion, a girlfriend called and read my out a text message from model agent Martin Walsh saying that my Sunday Telegraph column’ had resulted in his entire family including daughter Montana being reduced to floods of tears. “My witchcraft had worked'’. Now I wonder what all that was about? I’ve never been called a witch before but it certainly looks like it’s business as usual. .. .

A slightly flushed Martin Walsh with Megan Gale

August 27th, 2006

A Gossip Columnist’s Life…

Sigrid Thornton with Saab’s Parveen Batish

Sydney is divided into a set of social tribes and I thought that I was familiar with most of them until I walked into the 20th anniversary party for the Saab convertible last week and didn’t have a clue what was going on. It was as if everyone had been given the right time and venue but the wrong event information. They had all converged on the same place but they had nothing in common.

There was a couple of veteran socialites who would feel right at home at a Black & White Committee ‘ lunch, Sydney party girls in puff skirts, businessmen in suits, motoring correspondents and lifestyle writers. None of them mingled. Nineties’ design hero Jamie Gordon in his signature checked shirt, attempted to work the different party zones. “I don’t know what I’m doing here,'’ he said, looking askance at the shiny Saab convertible parked on the dock. “I don’t even drive.'’

Luckily Morgantha - the publicist hired to put the night together, had cornered me earlier on before I had stepped off the white carpet and managed to grab my first drink from the Mr Sweden style’ waiters. We had explored the different areas together while I looked for a kindred soul I could talk to - but the music was too loud and the lights too low. I felt like a teenager turning up at a party out of town.
It was clearly going to be a big night, what with the ice bar serving vodka shots and the stage set up for speeches and entertainment but it was difficult getting into the mood to enjoy it. A couple of people asked me what I did for a living. When I explained, over the din, that I was a gossip columnist, they thought I was being sardonic. It was as if I had owned up to being a mortician or a lollipop lady. They tittered uneasily. So, when Saab’s ambassador Sigrid Thornton and husband, Tom Burstall arrived they were suddenly my new best friends. And when Sigrid moved inside to prepare for her speech, I all but mobbed, GQ’s Grant Pearce - another regular of the social circuit.

People always think my job is glamorous. “You get dressed up and go out to so many different parties,'’ they say, “all that champagne and those celebrities… ‘’ But on nights like this, it’s just really hard work. I managed to linger for another 20 minutes looking for a story and then I quietly slipped away. From now on I’ll just attend events with two tribes present at the most and where people pretty much know what I do…